5 September 2011
Oh, it looks like I only have an hour to spare this time. I don’t know exactly how long I do have, only that it is shorter than usual. We have to go somewhere on this Labour Day weekend. It is almost funny that a holiday doesn’t necessarily mean that you can take as long as you want in doing something. Hourray for the long weekend holiday that takes up three days instead of the regular two days.
I have thought about time travel, and I even think that I have done something to that effect according to my indistinct memories. Let’s face it, a fifty year lapse has occurred since those events happened. And, there is just so much that has been forgotten along the way. All I care about is that the paradoxes were handled and that I am still alive for it.
I have done all kinds of things in my life and it doesn’t seem to stop. I have a number of alterations done with my genetics as a result of one thing or another. I don’t know how many times I was collapsed on the ground or hung up in a tree. All I do know is that I have managed to get up and keep going. Ain’t that the way, eh?
I do remember getting sick and spending four years on my bed. I couldn’t stand up straight or do stairs. I lived in a room on the second floor of a rental house, and I couldn’t do the stairs. I would crawl up or down those stairs with the help of someone, but never alone. I was terrified of falling, and I would have too. I spend a decade of weighing only 98 lbs of skin and bones. I kept waking up and that was as much a surprise as it was a disappointment to me. I would rather have stopped the pain and suffering I did endure.
I couldn’t believe that my time was not at an end. Somehow I kept waking up and doing something. One thing after another was what kept me busy. There wasn’t much I could do, only that it was enough to keep me busy. It was enough to keep me going. Well, I am still going and it seems that there is less time for each day. Is that even possible when time shortens gradually without notice?
I never thought that getting older was even a remote possibility. I was at the edge of doing things that were impossible. I was so healthy and strong that it would have scared you to just see me. I stayed hidden somehow and in some way for most of my life. It wasn’t easy for me to develop my conditioning and senses, but it was a necessity of survival. I was so fearful of something that I would freak at the motion of a shadow or a sudden, unexpected noise. I don’t know what it was, only that I was so afraid.
I remember crying for most of my childhood for one reason or another. It was a fact that I was a sickly child, with rheumatic fever, chicken pops, mumps, colds, and allergies up the ying yang. It’s funny, but everything went by so fast. I would get so sick that I couldn’t believe I could live, but I did. I would seem to blink and I was on into something else. There was always something else. As an adult, I was always short of time that seemed to be getting shorter by minutes every day. I could never squeeze what I wanted out of time for a day’s worth of efforts.
I keep repeating that Life is a balance, that what comes around is what goes around. It amazes me that the parable seems true, or is it? Does it really balance out in the end? Will I get some sort of reward for my efforts? I might not be so noble, but at least I do try to be as straight up and honest as I can manage under the circumstances.
I do remember a lot of things that almost don’t make sense or even seem possible for anyone to do. There were times when I was on the spot, doing what had to be done. Someone had to do something and there was no one else around to do it for me. I had to do it right up until I got so sick that I couldn’t stand up straight. Now my bones are rotting away from the inside and I am turning into a blob of fat and muscle. That is something else that I didn’t know was possible, but only to me.
If I had an hour to tell about me and what I would leave behind, what would I say? Who knows when they will suddenly take leave of this world? I never know when I will come to an end, even when I have fallen from heights, or had some sort of accident. A rope would break, a cable would snap, or something would happen to make it all come to a stop. But not for me. I would wake up and shake off the waves of hurt. Then one day it happened that there was something I couldn’t shake off. I got sick.
Who would believe that I would be able to sit and think about my memories like a full time occupation of watching movies. my movies of my experiences. There are so many things to think about that I never get bored. I might get so tired that I have fallen asleep while doing things, walking, swimming, working, or anything repetitious. I do look for patterns in things when I bother to look.
There are always patterns in everything that humanity does. We have learned that patterns are a part of our lives just as the very genetics that force us to grow in the ways that we do. There are patterns in everything that has genetics. It is a fact that genetics are patterns that evolve for one reason or another and we are set to live out our lives by the patterns we have had evolve for us. Right.
There are patterns and there are pattern breakers. There are builders and destroyers. There are people who live peacefully and those who do not. I happen to be a mix of both that has come about to live out as I have done. I couldn’t have done any differently because that is the way it is. And, patterns don’t change until they are replaced with other patterns that do have changes in them already formed for size, weight, and all other relevant characteristics. Patterns again.
I know I live according to patterns. I also know when to jump to avoid certain conditions or patterns from happening. You don’t walk on thin ice or sit in a bonfire. There are so many things you can do that it seems hardly worth the effort to think about what you can’t do. It is no wonder humanity would be considered a real nasty parasite to be eliminated. We are insatiable and so resilient in most conditions. We seem to survive almost anything once we use our brains to figure out what we do need.
We use tools and our brains. But, that is where I can say that I am only a button pusher. I don’t have the technologies I once had and I can’t do what I used to do by myself. I need those technologies or I am no different than anyone else, except for the fact that I do know what to do at the right time. It’s funny to be able to say that when I can make some of the most hilarious mistakes just at the wrong time. It might not be anything to do with buttons or paradoxes, but it is still a serious thing to make mistakes in the first place.
You might think that I would be smart enough to know when to cross the street. But, there have been times when I was totally unprepared for decision making or choices when those mistakes have happened to me. I can sit still and laugh at those circumstances in hindsight with much laughter. But, there have been times when I sweated blood to exert enough energy to do what had to be done. I was bruised all over for a long time afterwards. But, I did do what had to be done and that is what assures me that I did so do the right things and I am still alive for it.
Survival is in our blood just as our genetics have made us to be. We can only follow the patterns that were made for us. I seem to think that at one point, I did make a few alterations to something that determined just how my own patterns would turn out to be. Maybe that is my reward for my own fate. Maybe that is just what was done at some point in time to ensure not only my own survival, but the continued survival of others as well.
That’s something else to think about. I was never alone. I always had a team or a group to work with during my memories. I was never alone then and I still can’t bear being alone now. There is always someone within shouting range around me. Rarely is there ever a need to have someone come to my rescue, but they are always there and waiting to be needed, watching for a danger to be neutralized.
I suppose that is only a part of a pattern, to be useful or used, as the case may be. We are always a part of something, a group or a team. We have to be pretty exceptional to get away from society in general. People are so insidious that they are always there, always playing out a part in something that eventually matters to something else. We pick up and repair patterns as we see fit to keep the balances that we live by. We do make our own world come about as we want it to be.
