How can it be so long since I last logged in and typed up a message of any sort? I can’t believe that it has been so long. But, the proof is in front of my eyes. It is really a phenomenon for me to see the time slip away from me so quickly without my being able to accomplish almost anything of what I had intended. There is just so much for me to do in a day that I can’t sit down long enough for the work I have to do. It all takes time, thinking, typing, and then editing the work I have done. That is, only if I ever get to type out something in the first place.
I am not hungary, but i am eating a bun sandwich with cheese and egg on it. I would have preferred to skip the whole thing for all of the trouble it will cause my stomach. It seems that I have a hiatia hernia and half of my stomach lining is all scar tissue, not to mention the troubles with my intestines that have narrow constrictions and scar tissue masses along it’s length. I don’t know the half of what is wrong with me in one way or another. Somehow, I do manage to pass food along enough to get nourishment from it. And, I am plumped out as much as I would want to be, minus a whole lot of muscles that I used to have, of course. Being sick with a disease is not an easy thing to get over, as if I am going to get over a progressive disease. So, I stick to my coffee and cigarettes, thankyou very much. Small wonder I hate doctors and their places of worship called hospitals, so much.
I think I have earned my bad attitudes along the way through my life of hard knocks and big bangs. It simply wears a body down physically. You wouldn’t survive a lot of things without having a big reminder of what it was that you went through. I feel like a refugee in my own country at times. There are so many people around me who have been in a war zone that I have not. Yet, I have more to show for my wounds than they have. Why is that? I hate to think of all of the things that I have gone through. And then come along my experiences. There is just only so much to tell before it all bogs down in a sort of swamp of believability that even I have trouble wading through. Right.
Yes, I am angry right now. There are things that just set me off like a match to a fireworks rocket. The only trouble is that I am already lit, now where is it that I can go off? That is my attitude about a lot of things that have troubled me over the years for good reasons. There is always a law of cause and effect that seems to be what I follow. Most of the time I seem to be predictable enough that it helps to explain away my own consistency. I have found that when I am tired, I do get irritable and suseptable to losing my temper. I do have a temper that is so fast that few people actually see it before I have already reacted and taken over some semblence of control. I really can’t afford to lose control in the middle of something important.
Control is always something I have to be aware of in the sense that I can’t afford not to be in control. There are too many things that are critical aspects of my personality just to ensure that my awareness is the only control functioning in my mind. Levels of security are combined as an interwoven tangle that ensnares the vital pillars of personality to bring about the product that we call awareness. There is so much to learn and understand about the biological computers that we are.
In the morning, I struggle to wake up and rise into awareness. As I wake, vital checks are carried out to ensure that various capabilities and functions are brought online in unison to balance the upset that is necessary to drive the surge of adrenalines and other activating compounds necessary to switch the bioelectric connections and nerves into working. Once the body and brain are connected with bioelectric current, the two combine to switch on the initial aspects of personality that start with the flickering of the eyes. Slowly, the power increases and the bioelectric current floods the brain networks to bring other mental capabilities online. The overall picture of personality awareness is one of many combined products that culminate in the ‘person’ that is aware and awake. An oxygen rush helps burn food into energy and increase the power flows that energize a person. For me, the final act is to rise up and look into a mirror to verify that everything is as it should be and that I may begin to proceed on into the day. Now I know that is not the same process for everyone, nor are the same products necessary for the overall picture of an aware personality that people concern themselves with in waking up and rising. Everyone is different, in different ways.
I don’t bother to wonder what it is like for anyone else to wake up and start their day. I am only concerned that every morning I do wake up and rise to start the day. I don’t think what it is like for others, just as I wouldn’t want anyone else to take my place, knowing what I know about myself. Having survived this far, I can only think of trying to complete my journey to where ever that might lead me. I am certain that no one else could have survived as successfully as I have managed, having gone through the things that I have endured and survived. For me, it is reward enough to wake up every morning and start off a day that will inevitably be filled with something more than nothing.
