I doubt that I would have anything important to say. I certainly am not pretty or young. And, I can’t even dream of being a prolific artist of anything. One of the few things I seem to be consistently good at is to fall asleep in front of Super Stupid, and then burning the poor keyboard or myself with a lit cigarette. Smoking is such a habit I have trouble quitting. I can say with conviction that I am addicted to the three C’s, namely cigarettes, coffee, and computers, not necessarily in that order. Oh well.
Gifted means that long days of practice have been sweated out, insight enhanced with health and prosperity, and a sort of success at one thing or another. None of the above have crossed my path except for the sweat part. I do sweat in my daily hot baths to loosen up my muscles enough to straighten my bent spine by lessening the pain enough with the soothing heat. Having a disease certainly changes your life into something else that dehumanizes you in so many ways.
Some of the medications I am on do have a way of opening up my thoughts in amazingly new ways. I was always so conventional, so black and white, and definitely paranoid with fear of some things. I couldn’t be left alone, afraid of the closed in spaces, and especially the dark. It wasn’t anything that people did to scare me, but the moments of facing the unknown, Laser lights do terrify me. So does the fear of falling. There is so much more to fear in my convoluted mind.
For decades, I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming my lungs out and sweating buckets of wet sweat. My body smelled scummy in those times, without any known cause or cure. Just as suddenly as those bouts would start, they would run for weeks, and then stop. It drove my doctors and psychiatrists crazy to try to explain what happened to me or why I was reacting as I did. Whatever it was, it was as real as I could possibly verbalize. The only question was what was it.
From my mid teens until my working career ended in 1999, I was super healthy and strong. I would walk into places where nobody dared to go themselves. Nothing people could do would scare me. But, where my fears began was far beyond normal. Most people would simply avoid me for all of the troubles I seemed to have following me. I was a fierce enough competitor that whatever scared me certainly put fear into the bravest of souls.
I didn’t go out in search of relationships. They certainly found me when I least expected. The four individuals I managed to settled down with were stable and strong in their own ways. Perhaps a decade would be enough for them to end the relationships for their own reasons. Then would come the time for me to mope and mourn in abject loneliness. I always hated being alone for any reason.
I was more capable and gifted than anyone could imagine even when isolated. I could keep myself busy to pass the time away. And, I could find my way in and around most factories. I was a skilled assembler and machine operator for more than two decades before I began a career in professional driving.
I never imagined myself in doing anything involving the complexities that went along with my jobs. There was a dumb and numb streak in me that came out as sheer stubbornness. If I was able to do something, I would be able to do that thing all day long. However, it became evident that I had trouble with physically repetitious movements. Assembly lines and dealing with numbers of people became increasingly difficult for me to manage successfully.
It wasn’t until I became an independent trucker that I was able to put my skillsets into a brilliantly shining career. I networked enough to learn what I had to expect in finding and delivering loads for a living. I travelled extensively throughout the continent in delivering freight and goods or haulage for hire. I discovered a freedom I hadn’t known before, along with ominous responsibilities.
Now I am just a broken down old fool with nothing of a future ahead of me. I still keep my fingers moving and my hands busy at different pasttimes. Afterall, my hands are literally factories that just haven’t quit yet. I still tell stories and spin my wheels because there is always a need somewhere. Believe that I have earned my attitude and strange way of lilting my speech with too simple of a vocabulary. Uhuh.
